Vanessa Makes Faces

Today I’ve had an epiphany. I’m done being sad. I’m done feeling sorry for myself. Today is truly going to be a new beginning for me. Everything is out in the open so there is literally no need for me to hold onto the past. For the past year I’ve harbored the biggest secret of my life. I betrayed my best friend and love of over ten years and all because I thought I was in LOVE with someone else, a mutual “friend”. Many of you already know many have no clue what I’m talking about. That’s ok. I’m not hiding it anymore but it doesn’t mean that I’m proud of what I did. It is by far the biggest mistake of my life. The upside is that I have learned many important lessons from the one situation.

For the past week I was in a state of depression. I knew the possible repercussions of admitting the truth but the physical effects of keeping these secrets and lies were just too much to handle anymore. So I told the truth and I lost a friend. A friend that I didn’t deserve and haven’t deserved since january 2010. In the end he didn’t and still doesn’t believe me, another situation that I knew was a possible outcome. From what I’ve heard I’m not the first one to tell him of this infidelity. He chose not to believe it then and still chooses the same. I just hope and pray that the friendship that is being protected with denial is worth it in the end. I also pray with all my heart that this “best friend”, “roommate”, and “brother” doesn’t repeat this again. He had his moment of redemption but he chose to cover his ass once more. I know how he operates and that its eating him alive. He only made matters worse for himself by lying to his face but that is not my business anymore. I’ve done my part. I’ve released the knowledge. I feel regret but I’m in the process of forgiving myself and I know without a doubt that I’ll never make the same mistake again. I’m truly sorry for what I’ve done, the people I’ve hurt, and for making people question my character. However after this I’m done with my apologies. I’m moving on and moving up. I’m letting go and refuse to harbor these thoughts or feelings any longer. I forgive myself for repeating horrible mistakes and I forgive this “friend” for being an asshole. (ok I think that needs some work) in the end I’m finally ready to move forward because I’ve been looking backward for far too long.