Trying to find closure
Posted on: November 10, 2010
This post has a lot to do with everything I have experienced in the year 2010 regarding relationships. I know that this used to be a common theme among my posts when I had the old blog. Obviously it does consume a lot of my thoughts. The thing I hate most about all of this is the advice that I get from people. I understand they everyone is just trying to be helpful but its really not helping. I want new advice. Maybe I need to hear the harsh reality of things regardless of how harsh it is. Currently I keep replaying something over and over in my mind. Shortly before I left for New York I made the mistake of visiting a psychic. During this session she told me many many things that I found interesting. One of the things that haunts me the most is that she told me that I am unlucky in love. “You are surrounded by the ones that you don’t want, and the ones that you do want you can’t have”. People have told me that psychics’ advice is only true if you let it be true but I have to wonder how true this statement is. I also wonder if its karma still paying it forward for mistakes that I have continually made in the past. I have been told that I need to forgive myself for things in the past and I agree with that 100% but still can’t seem to lets these things go. I am not quite sure what it will take for me to let everything go but I figure that maybe writing rhetorical messages to people that have affected me this past year will help me to move on and be in a better place. Maybe this way I can be open to receive whatever I am meant to receive in my life.
Anyways…here it goes…
#1
Talk about a failed relationship. For the amount of time that we tried at it, most people would think that we were meant to be. Now it seems that that isn’t the case. We always found a way back to each other but each time I seemed to find something “BETTER” and more fitting for myself. Or at least I thought so. I made the mistake of constantly taking you for granted and because of you I have learned not to settle but at the same time know when something is awesome when its awesome and probably won’t get any better than that. I apologize for doing things that you may never fully understand. I used to think that we would eventually find our way back to each other but now I know that that will probably never happen again. I wish you the best with everything you do including your new relationship. May she offer to you everything that I couldn’t. Also trust your instincts because they are dead on. Even when you had nothing to back up your feelings…just know that they are accurate. You will always hold a special place in my heart but I truly understand that you feel we can’t be FRIENDS but I am not able to just be acquaintances. I also know that I am coming off as a bitch to you right now but I just don’t know how to deal with this new way of not being friends…after all we’ve known every single detail about each other’s life for the past decade.
#2
I am still trying to understand what happened here. Everything was so…I don’t even know what it was. I was so infatuated with you. I know people say that you shouldn’t regret anything but I truly regret crossing that line with you. We had the perfect…well maybe not perfect but we had an amazing friendship before we let the crap fuck everything up. And boy did it fuck shit up! I still am trying to figure out how you did things and I let it pass but the second I did the same thing you held it against me. If thats not a double standard full of hypocrisy I don’t know what is. You broke my heart in more pieces than I ever thought was possible. I don’t know why I was so emotionally invested in you. I thought you were everything that was missing in my life. My perfect match. The male version of me. I was elated to hear that you were “falling for me” despite the complicated situation however I couldn’t feel more betrayed when I came home and you couldn’t talk to me anymore, especially after you told me that we could “work through ANYTHING”. I know that no matter what our relationship will never be the same. I am not sure lesson I am supposed to learn from getting in so deep with you…all I do know is that I am changed because of you. I am more guarded and definitely not trusting. I don’t blame you…I blame US. I do miss my best friend and still wonder about you often and what could have been and what will never be again. My only thing to say to you is that sometimes in life you have to fight for the things you want. You shouldn’t back down just go for it as long as it makes you happy.
#3
It is you that I owe the biggest apology to. My heart wasn’t fully into you. You taught me a lot about life and help me to regain my faith in God as well as people and life. You brought me out of the darkness when I was in the deepest part of it. BUT it was this attention from you that made me feel it when I didn’t actually feel it. You are an amazing man and I know that one day you will make a fantastic family man. I’m sorry that we had to go thru the awkwardness of that relationship. I think we were always just better off as friends.
#4
I am still trying to figure you out. I don’t know if you’re playing the nice guy card when you’re really an asshole or if you really are that scared to be in a relationship. I am thought entirely TOO much about us. Like I’ve said before the beginning of a relationship should NOT be this hard. I don’t understand any part of this dysfunctional relationship. I have been saying that I don’t think I can date you anymore but you carry on like I never made the statement and continue to call me and text me everyday. Everyday that you communicate with me and yet still don’t want to be exclusive is like a slap in my face. Do not act like my boyfriend if you are not my boyfriend. You have entirely way too much on your plate to make room for anyone else right now. If you do want to find that special person you are going to have to make it work. Nothing is just going to fall into place like that. It takes work and it takes more than driving halfway or asking if I want to hang out during previously made plans. How about taking a girl to dinner or showing up for her birthday. I still care for you a lot and think about you too much but there are so many things that are tearing me in the opposite direction. I may sound crazy but honestly at this point in time I just don’t care. Facebook is an evil thing. Because of it I was given the freedom to see who you talked to, what you were doing and what was posted. Recently you told a girl that you would move to colder climates if you met a girl. That is when I made the realization that I had wrongly assumed that I was a girl that you could see yourself moving to different zones for. I am probably still thinking into this comment too much but it rubbed me wrong and I don’t much other than that fact. I know that somewhere out there is a guy that is willing to take a chance on actually being my boyfriend instead of just a friend with a lot of benefits. I just wish you would be upfront with me about your feelings. If you like being single just say so. Unlike my eight year old self this time I will cry but its part of learning. You mourn and move on. I am trying to move on so please let me or else show me that you really care for me as much as you say you do.
Vanessa Makes Faces 
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